FEELINGS

Adil Dar's feelings few moments before  his death (suicide)

(I don't know why but a thought came in  my mind that things could have been such for him at that time so i should write about it .  I am not in favor with all what he did but i think ,he must have surely felt  all what  i have written.)

note: Here i have written this poem on Adil (Indian youngster ,innocent one) not for terrorist Adil dar.

(speaker Adil (tears in eyes )

"I am on a very tough mission ,

 a mission important for ,

 'me' ,'them ' and 'those'

 (Adil) (terrorist)  (CRPF soldiers)

 my mind is fluctuating ,

 heart is trembling ,
still something makes me stay adamant to my decision .

 My mind and heart are revolting ,

 my body functions according to 'them',

 the blackness of heart and mind, 
 I have acquired through them doesn't

 let me think otherwise .

Am duty bound ,

can't let humanity and mankind acquire my mind.
 Am helpless ,am hopeless  

hatred  feelings weren't mine ,

flame of revenge wasn't burning in me,

it was deliberately ignited,

i was forced to hate "those"

my mind was whitewashed,

my thinking capacity was blocked,

i functioned for them, according to them.

I am guilty , but not fully, 

i am a victim , i was trapped. 

I am going to end everything ,

my hopes, my dreams, myself and "those",

for "those" i feel sorry ,

i am begging forgiveness from god,

 but ,

they are destined to die , and so am i...................................

i am in chaos !!

i have a lot to say  ..........

time seems less....

can't distinguish feelings,

everyone, everything seems

very confusing..........

am going to end myself and that too deliberately,

somebody help me out,

i can't escape,

neither quit,

nor elope.

I will  have to do it,

kill myself and many other people!

now i am going to do it.

i bid farewell to you my parents,

i love you,am trapped ,choked , helpless, worthless

can't come out of this huge trap

i can't do anything now,

am leaving you forever.

I pray you not to take me as criminal

i was forced to do all this, i am a victim..................................

i bid farewell to you,

my friends, my love and my dear ones,

am going far away

take me as victim i beg you...................................

help other victims to come out of all this...... 

 this car is start to every end......

in this i will take my last breath

it will be a medium to death of many including me!!!!!!!

now i can see the CRPF bus,

everything is at its end,

this mission, this car, that bus , those people and me.................
 we all bid farewell to this world .

I still don't want to do it!!!

i want help ,

i want escape,

someone help  me , someone take me away.......

but , alas i will have to do it .....

1,2,3, and i colloid my car with CRPF bus ,

i am burning ,

flames are making me out of existence ,

i need help,

its paining a lot ,

help me!!

oh!! "those " people are also dying,

i can feel their pain,

i am guilty for all this........

ah!! 'tears' stop coming out ,no need of  you now 

am  coming to an end.,

its paining a lot, a lot..............

i regret everything,

i regret my deeds,

i regret my decision.

BUT i am not guilty , i am victim

i didn't wanted to do it all,
help, i didn't wanted to --------------------------------------"